I’m Entitled To My Own Opinion Except On Twitter
This article was inspired by a series of interactions on Twitter
Recently I witnessed an hours-long argument on Twitter stemming from someone posting that it is exhausting to live with someone who has ADHD. That was it. That was the tweet. It has since been deleted.
The argument spilled into the next day with those who were angry posting screenshots of tweets they didn’t like and dialoguing about love or the lack thereof. It appeared the majority of those who were angry were neurodivergent (I assume most likely relating to ADHD) and highly offended that someone would say such a thing about anyone with ADHD. There were repeated demands for an apology, demands for answers to questions, and sweeping statements using words like “always” and “constantly,” which were absent from the original tweet.
On one of the threads, someone commented that the person responsible for the original post did not love their spouse because “if you insult your partner and tell them and everyone else how exhausting you find them,” you do not, in fact, love them. This same person went on to say that love is not supposed to be hard work. She proved her point by referencing romance novels as the basis for what relationships should look like. Yes, really.
I tried to rationally interact with two different (angry) people, coming from the perspective of someone with ADHD and who has raised more than one child with ADHD. I was respectful and commented that we should allow our partners to speak their truth. I also mentioned that I know I can be exhausting, and having raised children with ADHD, I have experienced exhaustion myself.
They seemed uninterested in a reasonable discussion and preferred to latch onto their perceived victimization by someone innocently stating their current reality. Instead of showing the original poster compassion, they attacked her. One person told me that my relationship with my wife was “sad” because I commented I knew I could be exhausting to her at times. The other person stopped responding when I pointed out that the original post didn’t use the words “always” or “constantly.”
These exchanges reminded me that people look for things to secure their identity to. Like a rock climber looking for a solid place to attach their safety equipment, they look for something to grasp and identify with and then hold on for dear life. The two women I interacted with seemed to choose their neurodivergence as that stronghold and took someone else’s comments as direct attacks to their ND. They displayed no desire for meaningful dialogue, and when the original poster’s supporters came to her defense, things got even uglier.
I have seen and experienced for myself that those who have endured trauma often grasp that trauma as their most authentic trait. Those with chronic pain or an autoimmune disease may also tend to see their lives through a filter and allow that pain or limitation to be the backdrop of their identity. I know because I have struggled with this myself.
As someone who has suffered fairly significant childhood trauma and as someone who has struggled with an autoimmune disorder, chronic pain, and ADHD, I have worked relentlessly not to center my life around those monikers. Why? Because those things are not my true identity, and I don’t want to treat them as though they are.
I’m not fond of labels. Whether that label is trauma victim, neurodivergent, lesbian, boomer, or any other standard label you might want to place on me. My identity is not dictated by my choices, experiences, or pain. While who I am is undoubtedly impacted by those things, I am not the sum of my experience. I am so much more than that, and so are you.
I am learning that I do not owe anyone an explanation for how I see myself, and I am not entitled to an answer from anyone else — especially someone on social media who I don’t know. The path of least resistance is to allow our experience or diagnosis to rule our attitudes and actions. It’s effortless to blame others and hold onto anger while we linger in an offended state. Living with a victim’s mentality is as easy as setting the cruise control on a long straight highway.
But, working toward creating a vibrant, emotionally healthy life is anything but simple. It takes hard work to choose a different path for ourselves. Taking responsibility for our healing can be frightening and is often a very long process. Coping with ADHD, chronic pain, or past trauma is grueling and uncomfortable. It starts with the choice to want something different and the willingness to see ourselves clearly and know what triggers us.
When someone I don’t know shares their truth or makes a statement on a public platform that bothers me, I have the choice to scroll on by or engage with them. If I feel angry about what’s being shared, it is not the fault of the person making the statement; it is the result of something inside of me that needs my attention. Like an air traffic controller, when planes (thoughts) come across the radar screen of my mind, I get to choose what lands and what doesn’t.
Demanding an apology from someone who shares their truth or personal experience on social media because we are offended is self-absorbed and immature. To expect someone to deny their own experience or change their opinion because it causes me discomfort is childish. To value being right over being decent or loving is a sure-fire way to create division. While we are all entitled to our opinions and our individual experiences, we are not entitled to others sharing them with us.
Obviously, social media is rife with conflict and arguments, and this is just one example of how things can needlessly get out of hand. I, for one, strive to err to the side of kindness as I interact with people on my socials.
